ARE YOU AGED 18-30, female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and political activist? If so, fuck off. I want a shit-thick 16 year old with no opinions and massive tits. Reply to box xxxx

WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to the left of the stage during JFK’s set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf’s head and flippers. But I’m ok now. Reply to xxxx

ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all your valuables while you’re out because we’re thieving scally bastards.

IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you’re particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are fucking trying to get some sleep.

ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control? Please write to me. I’d love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don’t worry, there’s nothing to worry about. Really. It’s just that I’m going to have a…ummm…a PARTY! Yes, that’s it. A party. Reply xxxx

WANTED: COCAINE. Lots of it. Reply to xxxx

WERE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you.

Global Underground takes over the Bar News year’s day at the Ministry of Sound with Sasha and Cosmonauts while Sultan, Jim Rivers and Anil Chawla hitting the decks alongside them.

Unlike no other, Sasha has pushed boundaries and represented the scene for everything that it stands for and more. Last September saw him celebrate the 18th birthday through to the early hours of the morning, with hundreds of people hanging on to his every beat, which is ensured to be a reoccurrence at this New Years Day event.

Joining him, Cosmonauts will be taking over the decks to play out a cyber set of synthy house. Heavily influenced by the sounds of the Italo Disco scene, the Saturday Sessions residents should dive the crowd into an upturn of breathless electronica.

The bar, acknowledges a further dose of GU talent from Sultan, Jim Rivers and Anil Chawla.

A DJ that has seemingly become one of today’s most potent names on the circuit, Sultan, brings those infamous locks for a foray of techno. His eclectic style of dark, heavy beats contrasts the deeper route that Jim Rivers will be taking as he reclaims his place behind the DJ booth. After a successful showdown of nocturnal beats, last July, Rivers returns to prove why he has surely become a highly recognisable name on the circuit. The Gallery’s Anil Chawla is last but by no means least to round off this downpour of progressive talent.

The London club gave punters the VIP treatment last weekend on Saturday 12th December, allowing them to jump the queue when they produced a condom at the door.

The promotion coincided with the finale of DJ Pete Tong’s 2009 Wonderland residency.

The Queue Jump with a Condom promotion came as a frontline promotion in the new – Contraception. Worth Talking About – campaign which is designed to increase young people’s awareness of the different types of contraception available to them.

Over 100 Queue Jump with a Condom promotions have taken place in the UK in the last two years, encouraging thousands of adults to carry condoms as part of their normal routine, helping to protect against the spread of STIs.

Natasha Palmer from Ministry of Sound, said: “Carrying a condom on a night out is not only the best way to play it safe – it now comes with the added benefit of avoiding the crowds for what promises to be one of the busiest and best nights at Ministry of Sound all year. We hope to see lots of party goers queue-jumping with a condom this weekend.”

For straightforward information and advice to make it easier to discuss everything to do with sexual health visit: www.nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout

http://www.thegallery-club.co.uk/nye/

Hosted at London’s Ministry Of Sound venue the event is headlined by Sander Van Doorn, who has continued to establish himself as one of the worlds leading DJs reaching the top 10 of DJ Mag’s top 100 DJ Poll.

Other DJs on the night include BBC Radio 1’s Judge Jules, Tall Paul, Simon Patterson, Simon Patterson, Matt Hardwick and The Gallery residents Gavyn Mitchel and The Viceroy.

The Bar will be hosted by Elektrik Playground with Riley & Durrant, Tania Von Pear, Gareth Harding and Lee D B, with the Baby Box featuring Steve Lee & Friends.

This is a night not to miss.

For more info visit: http://www.thegallery-club.co.uk/nye/

Eddie has spent the summer at his Cream residency at Amnesia and it looks like this event will be no different.

The Bar sees MiMo’s 3rd Birthday celebration and headlining the line-up will be Prok & Fitch alongside MiMo resident Chris MiMo (Big In Ibiza) and rising talent Jemmy (Aztec), Sam Cherry, Youngie and Mismatch Dj’s. The Baby Box welcomes Spinning Quickly whilst the Loft welcomes Plastic Fondu.

Head here to buy tickets

The Gallery presents Eddie Halliwell

Friday 27th November

Box

Eddie Halliwell

John O’ Callaghan

Solarstone

Gavyn Mytchel

The Viceroy

Bar – Mimo 3rd Birthday

Prok & Fitch

Chris MiMo

Jemmy (Aztec)

Sam Cherry

Youngie

Mismatch Dj’s

Baby Box – Spinning Quickly

Hilton Caswell

Juki

Just Stu

Alvin

James Hughes

Funk Me

Loft – Plastic Fondu

Stefan B

Tom Chubb

Dean Williams

Rico